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You set that up, didn't you?

Millions of dollars are missing from the school coffers.

She just went through a tough divorce.

Due to the district's sloppy accounting procedures. And no one can seem to pinpoint the missing loot. District Chairwoman Olympia Parpadelle had no comment, But county insiders blame staff shortages, incompetence. And a troubling climate of corruption. At a time when the county's children continue to score. At the bottom of statewide tests. Moving on to sports,

It seems the chimpanzee that interrupted.

Saturday's community college baseball playoffs. Hey, you okay? Same shit, different day, huh? Something like that, yeah. I failed you, Pop. Catherine, the bond market is for pussies. Oh, God, what do the homosexuals want now? Mr. Conroy to see you. Send him in. Jasper Macaveady and Adelle Horowitz. Jasper Macaveady and Adelle Horowitz.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Scotch man, right?

No, actually, I don't touch the stuff. Pinot then? Jasper poured gravy all in my hair.

I can see that. Jasper, where did you get gravy at 8:00 AM? Jasper buddy, you know the drill. Go walk the railroad tracks until lunch. Hey, I don't make the rules. Adelle, I don't know, honey. It will eventually dry, so. I'll call your mom. She'll bring you some new clothes, okay? No no no. I can't hug you. I can't hug you. It's against policy. Plus I'll get gravy all over my shirt. What do you want? Do you want some grapefruit? I got grapefruit. Look, Conroy, you know. I can't discuss my dealings with other parents, But if you want those kind of grades for little Julie, It's gonna cost you more than 10 Gs. Gigi Fenstermacher told me she only paid $7500. Gigi Fenstermacher is a whore. And do you think I served her. The 1986 Bouchemal Pinot you're drinking? Let me answer that for you. No, I did not. I'm willing to pay $12,000.

Now that's a substantial bribe, Harper. I want you to guarantee straight A's. Then I guess when little Julie flunks out. And she's selling her hot little body for a hit of crystal meth, I'll have to be the one to tell her that her cheapskate dad. Killed himself out of shame. That's all I'm prepared to pay, Nothing more. You can afford more. Bartlett! Yes, sir. I'm willing to pay $12,000. Now that's a substantial bribe, Harper. I want you to guarantee straight A's. Hmm, bribing an elementary-school principal. That's a serious crime, Conroy. Me me me me me! Go to the bank, deposit that in my account. And wear the red wig this time. It makes your can look smaller. Harper, Rebecca Seberg. From the school board is on her way here. Something about an emergency inspection. Is everything all right? Peaches and pearls, Melody. Peaches and pearls. Yank my caddy from class, tell him to meet me on the hopscotch squares. That ain't mine.

It ain't yours. This is your principal speaking. Please be aware. That an inspector from the district will be on campus today. Carry on as usual. No need to put on a show. Also, try not to eat the lead-based paint. That's flaking off the walls in the south wing. That is called poison. Due to budget cuts, PE clothes will now be laundered every third Friday. And lastly, big thanks to Bobby Templeton, Shop class is canceled till we find the finger. That is all. Are we gonna learn anything today. Or are we just gonna sit here again. And watch you mope about your divorce? You know what, Frankie? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Yeah, Sarah. Why is Mr. Buchwald sleeping in the gym? You like questions, Sarah?

Bro, come on. Minor surgery. you're good as new.

Yeah? Try this one. How do you think you're gonna make it to third grade. When you fill out your times tables like a drunk retard? When my uncle was my age. He walked in on Aunt Sis. Screwing the tub-and-tile repairman. You know what he did? He hitchhiked all the way from Sioux City, Iowa, To Annapolis, Maryland, in one day. He dove into the Chesapeake. And he just swam straight out. He just swam and he swam and he swam.

Next day the Coast Guard found his body bobbing in the Atlantic. You think you kids got some problems?

Screwing the tub-and-tile repairman.

Your favorite Saturday-morning cartoon.